


The Lost Years

by rainbowpiranha



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Drug Use, M/M, Rough Sex, Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-22
Updated: 2017-05-22
Packaged: 2018-11-03 14:27:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10969119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbowpiranha/pseuds/rainbowpiranha
Summary: Remus is the one member of his friend group that survived the First Wizarding War.  His survivor's guilt and repressed love of an old friend lead him to dangerous coping mechanisms of rough sex and drug use.Sirius/Remus is referenced, but didn't happen (and was a one-sided thought).Rated E!





	The Lost Years

**Author's Note:**

> Rated E for angst, sex, drugs, and just generally dangerous coping mechanisms. 
> 
> As far as I'm aware, this is canon compliant, after all we know little about what Remus got up to after the First Wizarding War before Dumbledore found him in a rundown cottage in Yorkshire.
> 
> I may add on to this later, but for now it’s a one-shot.
> 
> One-sided Wolfstar referenced.

After the First Wizarding War, most members of the Order of the Phoenix returned to their families and their jobs, happy that they could go about their daily business without the threat of Voldemort looming over their head.

Of course, many witches, wizards, Muggles, and magical creatures died in order to bring about this peace, but the consensus of society as a whole was that their deaths, though tragic, were worth it in the greater scheme of things. It was thought that if they could, the deceased too would be happy to see just how peaceful the world had become and how the friends and family they left behind could thrive without fearing the Dark Lord.

For the most part, that was true.

But for one man, who had lost everyone and everything that mattered to him, this collective social happiness just made him feel even more isolated in his pain.

Remus Lupin lost his best friends, in what was considered by many people to be the greatest event in recent history. James and Lily Potter had been killed by Voldemort himself, after being sold out to him by their friend, Sirius Black. Sirius had been carted off to Azkaban, but not before blowing up the final member of their tight-knit group, Peter Pettigrew. 

This left the final member of the group, Remus, alive and alone.

Sure, they had drifted apart in recent months, as war and the suspicion and isolation it brings infiltrated their group. But they had all hoped that when the war was over, everything would go back to the way it was before: James and Sirius leading the adults in bar games and adventures after work while Peter tagged along and Lily and Remus would stay behind for a quiet night to watch Harry.

The one comfort that Remus had was that Harry had lived. Somehow, the infant had destroyed Voldemort with the man’s own spell and Harry became a legend. Dumbledore, for reasons known only to himself, deemed it best for Harry to grow up with his Muggle relatives, so although Remus had solace in the fact that Harry was alive, he was saddened by the fact that he did not get the chance to watch the boy grow up.

Remus’ own family had survived for a little while after the war, but soon his mother died and Remus did not want to be a burden to his father any longer, so he left his home. He knew his transformations had always been a burden to both of his parents, but he had been comforted to know that his mother took pride in helping him heal in the days following the full moon. But, without her there, his father just seemed to look at him with pity, and that was too much for Remus to bear on top of the guilt he felt for being the one member of his friends who survived and remained out of prison.

Some men might take that as a sign to go forward with their life and make the most of it, living for every moment and every chance that they got, knowing full well that they could have ended up like their friends and been imprisoned or killed. 

But Remus had always been too logical for his own good. He decided that it was not fair that he, a werewolf, lived while his perfectly human friends with a brand new baby died.

Even if he were somehow freed from this survivor’s guilt, Remus would be unable to make the most of his life because of the stigma attached to werewolfs and their association with Lord Voldemort and his Death Eaters. 

So, he resigned himself to odd jobs and one-night stands, making just enough money to rent a motel room for a month or two before he had to leave town and quit his job to avoid suspicion of his affliction.

And it is here that we jump into the life of Remus and take a look at what he has become.

********

Remus adjusted his hat in the dingy motel mirror before he headed out the door and across the street to his latest job as a server in a sports bar. The job itself wasn’t bad, and he made decent tips, plus he worked weird hours that allowed him to slip in and out of the motel unnoticed by most of its other seedy patrons.

There were two downfalls to this job though: the Quidditch games broadcasted on the magically altered television sets sorely reminded him of his dead friends, and the clientele was, if possible, even more seedy than the regulars at the motel he currently called home.

But, for now, it was an income and management didn’t seem to care when he missed a few shifts on a monthly basis.

As he entered the bar today though, something felt different. Remus was used to this feeling of unease, and often it dissipated without being warranted in the first place, so he pushed it to the back of his mind, tied his apron around his waist, and started clearing tables.

A major game between the Chudley Cannons and Holyhead Harpies was on the televisions tonight, so the place filled up fast with patrons decked out in either orange robes or green and yellow robes, depending on which team they supported. The rivalry between the teams and their fans made Remus a little nervous as it was, since it took just a minor infraction from any player to set the fans off into a brawl, but so far everyone seemed to be getting along well and having nothing more serious than friendly banter.

In between his runs of keeping glasses full of Firewhiskey and Butterbeer, Remus noticed that a man sitting alone at the bar kept watching his movements. 

Well, if Remus was being honest with himself, he noticed the man first because he looked so much like his imprisoned friend Sirius. They had the same long, dark hair, grey-blue eyes, muscular build, and a handsome face. Remus promptly pushed any feelings that arose back down into his belly and continued about his shift, ignoring anybody who wasn’t part of the tables he was serving.

Hours later, the bar was finally clearing out. The Holyhead Harpies caught the Snitch, but the Chudley Cannons had somehow scored enough points where the points awarded for the catching of the Snitch did not bring the Holyheads victory. Overall though, it was a good game, and everyone left the bar feeling energized and excited.

Well, except for the workers who had to clean up after all of the excited patrons.

It was around three in the morning by the time Remus and the rest of the staff had closed up the bar, happy with the tips that they made, but tired and ready to go home.

Since Remus only had to walk across the street to get to his temporary home, he decided to lean against the back wall of the restaurant for a moment to rest and a smoke a cigarette.

“It’s amazing how those Muggle inventions have permeated our culture,” a voice said from the other side of dumpster, making Remus jump and drop his lighter.

“Mmhm,” Remus agreed, finding his voice. “But there’s something cathartic about the repetitive motions and mindlessly smoking.”

Remus did his best to hide his surprise when the man came around the other side of the dumpster and revealed himself to be the one who looked like Sirius in the bar earlier tonight.

Remus lit his cigarette with wordless magic instead of trying to find his dropped lighter, opting to study this man’s face and judge his intentions instead of putting himself at risk by bending over.

The man seemed to sense the anxiety Remus was trying to hide and explained, “I’m not trying to be creepy. I’ve seen you working at the bar a few times now and I’ve wanted to talk to you, but I never quite have the courage.”

“What gave you the courage tonight then?” Remus asked, already knowing the answer.

“I had quite a few drinks in there,” the man replied, and his smell as he stepped closer to Remus confirmed that. “And I decided that it’s a pity that I don’t know your name.”

“I’m Remus,” Remus stated curtly, still unsure of this man and his intentions.

“I’m Roger,” the man replied with a nervous smile. “And I understand why you’re cautious, especially with the war that just ended and the usual slimeballs that frequent this bar.”

He paused at lit up his own cigarette as Remus nodded at him to continue.

“I know that empty feeling that I can see in your eyes and I was hoping that, for the night, we could both try to forget what we’ve lost,” Roger explained.

Remus took a slow drag in on his cigarette, now understanding what this man was after. Roger wanted nothing more than a body to share a bed with, and Remus was tempted to provide him with one, based solely on the fact that this man looked similar to Sirius.

“I have a few conditions then,” Remus said, stalling a bit before making an actual decision.

“Of course,” Roger replied, prompting Remus to go on.

“I don’t do relationships anymore, so this would be an emotionless fling and that’s it,” Remus started, slightly concerned at how harsh his words sounded, but he knew that it was true and it would be better to have that fact out in the open. “And that we take Muggle and magic precautions because you don’t know me and I don’t know you.”

“Fair enough,” Roger said with a smile, as he realized Remus was agreeing to his proposition.

They both silently smoked their cigarettes for a minute before Roger looked at Remus with renewed desire in his eyes and noted, “It’s convenient that there’s a motel across the road.”

“Even more convenient that I already have a room there,” Remus responded, not able to match Roger’s obvious lust.

“Well, if you let me share your room for the night, I promise I will make it worth your while,” Roger said softly.

Remus nodded and wordlessly put out his cigarette before grabbing Roger’s hand and leading him across the road.

When they got back to Remus’ room, Remus finally spoke, “I was serious about the protections.” He muttered a few quick spells.

“I was too,” Roger agreed as he pulled a condom out of his pocket.

“I see you came prepared,” Remus nodded in approval.

“I was hoping I’d finally have the balls to pick you up tonight,” Roger agreed with a smile.

That smile threw Remus off and he physically took a step back for a moment. That smile, on that face, reminded him too much of Sirius. Remus had never admitted it to anyone, and had barely let his heart admit it to his brain, but Remus would have done anything to see that smile of lust pointed in his direction instead of the girls that Sirius usually went after. 

Maybe this thing with Roger was going to dredge up too many repressed emotions that Remus had for Sirius.

Remus shrugged off the thoughts and stepped back close to Roger.

“You seem like you’re a top?” Remus asked, wasting no time with formalities.

Roger gave a sly smile and replied, “I couldn’t see myself as anything else.”

“Good,” Remus stated. “Because I want to be fucked so hard that I can’t say my own name.”

Roger let out a moan in response.

A year ago, Remus would have been horrified to hear such a statement come out of his mouth. But he had since learned that there was power in being so lost in sex that for a moment he could forget his pain. He learned that, whether he was topping or bottoming or with a man or a woman, if he could lose himself in the act, he would be afforded a little bit of peace from his ever-destructive mind. He had even visited some of the shady corners of Knockturn Alley looking for someone to make his mind go blank for an hour. Not his proudest moments, but he got his desired results.

This time, however, it would be a little tricky keeping his mind focused just enough to realize that this man is Roger, not Sirius. 

“Fair warning,” Remus said out loud, “I have quite a few scars from the war.”

It was easier to lie sometimes.

“I’ll just have to kiss them and make them better,” Roger replied with a smirk.

Remus held in a sigh at the cheesy response given in true top fashion--the man thought he would come into Remus’ world and fix everything for one night. Remus was hoping that this man could simply dull his pain for the better part of an hour.

Remus double checked that the door was locked before he headed over to his nightstand and pulled out his own roll of condoms. “Just in case we need more than one,” he said in Roger’s direction.

The thought seemed to encourage Roger and he quickly followed Remus and pushed him down against the bed.

There was nothing sensual about this, however much Roger wanted to play the romantic top. Clothes came off quickly and were tossed haphazardly to the floor. Kisses started on the mouth but quickly moved down the neck and chest, where Roger left hickies and bite marks. 

Remus moaned in reply to those bites, loving the bit of pain that could give him something to focus on other than the thoughts running through his head.

The fact that this man looked like Sirius was almost too much for Remus to bear. But in his rational mind, Remus knew that Sirius was his straight best friend, who was currently in jail for being a murderer, so that put a damper on those thoughts and Remus forced himself to focus on the stings of pain that Roger was providing for him.

Roger seemed encouraged by Remus’ moans and bit him hard enough on the chest to draw blood. Seeing that Remus didn’t mind that, he quickly pulled off his belt and wrapped it around Remus’ wrists, tightening the clasp and positioning his arms above his head.

“You okay?” Roger asked briefly.

Remus only nodded, not trusting his mouth to speak as he tried to focus on the physical sensations running through his body and ignore the terror he felt at being restrained. Some of his past one-night-stands had not gone well, and he had been tied up and abused. 

Remus forced those thoughts out of his mind and brought himself back to Roger, who was swirling his tongue along the waistband of Remus’ boxers, dipping below the elastic and teasing his skin.

Roger brushed the front of Remus’ boxers, pushing down slightly on the bulge he found there.

“So you want me?” he asked with a smirk.

Remus nodded, needing to feel the release that another man could provide.

“How do you want me?” Roger asked, stepping back to remove his own underwear.

“In me, no prep,” Remus replied simply, picking the option that would cause him the greatest sting of pain that he needed to focus on to get out of his head.

Roger grinned up at Remus with his hands tied and his chest covered in bruises and bite marks and he quickly removed Remus’ boxers, allowing his erection to spring free. Remus let out a small gasp as the air hit his sensitive head, but was distracted by the sound of Roger snapping on a condom and lifting Remus’s legs into the air.

“You sure no prep?” Roger asked, pausing right before Remus’ entrance.

Remus nodded and groaned, “Just get in me.”

Roger let out a low chuckle and moved one hand from Remus’ ankle which was still in the air to grab his base and position himself correctly.

One thrust and he was in, burning Remus from the inside out.

They both paused and adjusted to the new sensation, but soon moved forward as Remus started to wiggle around Roger’s shaft.

The slight lubrication on the condom made things a little easier and soon Roger was pounding into Remus with the speed Remus craved for the pain he needed to forget his past.

Remus closed his eyes and allowed his body to fall completely into the moment, feeling the stretch of Roger in him, the protest of his leg muscles at being pushed upward into the air, the jab of the belt buckle biting into his wrists, and the deliciously sharp pang of Roger’s teeth as they scraped and bit along his neck and chest.

Suddenly Roger moved his hands from where they were holding Remus’ legs and pinched Remus’ nipples and pulled back slightly, giving Remus the final sensation of pain that he needed to truly lose himself in the moment.

Remus was pushing down on Roger as fast as Roger was thrusting into him, and soon he could hear the tell-tale grunts that told him Roger wasn’t going to last much longer. 

Remus took that as a sign to wiggle free from the belt, grab his own prick, and fist it quickly, again focusing on the spots of pain across his body. Soon his breathing matched Roger’s moans and he felt Roger complete himself inside him as Remus shot his own load over his chest.

They both laid there panting for a minute before Roger slowly pulled out, letting Remus enjoy the sting of his muscles contracting as they compensated for the sudden emptiness.

Roger snapped off the condom and tossed it in the rubbish bin before digging his clothes out of the pile and quickly putting them on. 

Remus still laid naked on the bed, watching Roger move around the room, and waiting for his heartbeat to return to normal.

Roger tossed Remus his boxers and came over to kiss him on the forehead.

“I hope you don’t mind that I leave, but I think we both got what we wanted,” Roger stated simply.

Remus nodded a goodbye as Roger let himself out of the room.

Remus slipped on his boxers and tossed the rest of his clothes into the hamper. One day he needed to do laundry, whether it was the traditional Muggle way or the quicker magic way, but he just hadn’t been able to bring himself to do that lately.

Remus paused in front of the full length mirror, examining his body.

Amid his deep white scars from his transformations, Remus now had new, red bite marks and deep purple bruises flecked with blood. He had red scratches on his wrists from the belt and thin crescent-shaped bruises on his legs from where Roger’s nails had dug into him as he held them up. 

The fact that this damage was there, but that it didn’t hurt enough for him to latch onto that feeling of pain as an escape made Remus feel even emptier than he did before the hook-up, so he went back to one of his other vices, a Muggle drug called Ketamine.

He opened the nightstand next to the mirror and pulled out his ready-to-go supplies: a smooth mirror, a short plastic straw, and a bag full of white powder. While his go-to method of ingesting Ketamine was usually smoking it, snorting it would have to do while he was inside of a motel room. 

Remus quickly set up a few lines, inhaled them with practiced form, and put everything away before the drug started to hit.

He settled down into his bed and let the feelings overwhelm him. 

Remus let his mind go back over the brief period of time where he allowed himself to feel something other than just numbness, and focused on the points of his body that still hurt a little bit, trying hard to get that feeling back It didn’t work because his mind kept going back to the similarities between Roger and Sirius. But, Remus hoped, if he had ever had a chance with Sirius, he would have assumed that Sirius would have taken more time to get to know his body and find exactly the right places to bite and suck to bring Remus out of his numbness and into the wonderful sensation of pain. But Roger didn’t take the time to care why Remus needed the pain and the idea that Sirius would even be interested in Remus in that way was laughable, so Remus resigned himself to laying in bed waiting for the Ketamine to force himself to be numb to the world again.


End file.
